Last time, on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dark Souls, we got taken someplace a long, long time ago, in a land far, far away. Oolacile. What I know as Lost Oolacile. A fallen land that no longer exists, because, much like me, it is just too pretty for my blighted world. Whatever happened to pull me here must have somehow yanked me across time, too. I’ve followed Dusk to her home.
Look at that. Sunlight streaming through the trees onto a sacred copse in the woods. Anor Londo, Firelink Shrine, and the Undead Burg all have some direct sunlight, but it just feels different here.
A bunch of humanoid statues that are, admittedly, creepy as all blazes, but hey. At least these people have some art and culture in them. That’s beautiful on its own.
And of course, the giant mushroom man, well renowned for its wait WHAT?!
I’ve been pounded by these guys too many times. Wary, I raise my shield and approach. The mushroom does nothing. In fact it doesn’t even have limbs. Slowly, I lower my guard. Then it… she… speaks.
If blood and sewage and whatever Frampt’s been eating smells like human to you, I’m not sure I want to see who you hang around with. Also, how do you tell that when YOU DON’T HAVE A FREAKIN’ NOSE?!
Oh, wait, Dusk’s been talking about me? She, uh, say anything good? Like how gorgeous and powerful and totally dating material I am?
“…snatched away by that horrifying primeval human.” she says. Yeah, she was kidnapped the last time I saw her, too. Can that girl keep out of distress? I get that she’s a princess, and getting kidnapped is like, what they do, but that still seems excessive.
Oh fair knight, canst thou pleasest saveth our princess and smiteth the evil dragonst Generica plaguing our landst and liveth literally every classic Heroic Romance ever? Let me guess. The princess will be set up to be sacrificed to fuel or satisfy some greater monster. A false hero will appear, who will seem cooler than me in every way, but ultimately fail in his endeavors. Then it will be up to me to save the day in which I need to slay the dragon and dispel some lie the princess believes and then she’ll fall in love with me and I’ll hang up my sword and buy a farm. Eh. I’ll think about it.