Your Guide to Holiday Home Defense

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It’s that time of year again. The time when that spirit of doom rises over us all. That time when we all have to watch our backs every moment of every day. That time when we all know that Jolly Red Roof Lurker waits for our moment of weakness to invade our homes, eat all our cookies, get uncomfortably familiar with our children, and take the credit for all our thoughtfully chosen gifts. Just this morning, before I got into work, he was in my office. He left me something right on my desk. A tin of cheap cocoa and a couple of mugs with his face on it. To mock me. Just to show he knows where I work and that even though it’s behind a couple levels of security, he can still get into it any time he wishes.

I am many things in life. I’m the world’s sexiest human being. I am the new hope for good in a world without. But I’m also the world’s foremost Santa Hunter. And this year, I thought I would do my part to further make the world a safer place and talk about how to defend yourself against Santa, this year. Now, there’s not a science to combatting old St. Nick. You have to be prepared to be flexible, and honestly, there’s a lot to it that you won’t pick up without years of experience. But Satan Claws does operate according to a rather strict set of rules, and knowing them, knowing how to take advantage of them, could just save your life this year.

It can seem impossible to fight back against Santa. After all, he’s constantly watching everything you do. You know that weird thing you do when nobody’s watching? Yeah, he sees that. He’s also everywhere. Especially this time of year. You can’t go anywhere without spotting signs of his involvement. It can seem overwhelming. But keep in mind you don’t have to worry about all that. You don’t have to deal with him in the stores or out on the streets. Sure, it would be an opportunity to rid us of the red menace once and for all, but leave that to the professionals like me. You just need to worry about defending yourself for one single moment, when he enters your home.

The first step in that is just knowing who he targets. Santa is notoriously prejudiced in his operations. For some reason, the Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and practitioners of many other faiths are generally safe from his invasion. Perhaps the most reliable way of ensuring you and your home is safe is to convert to one of those religions, in which case he might just ignore you entirely.

He also seems to focus more on homes with young children. Being child-free is less of a guarantee of safety, but perhaps something to consider.

What is no guarantee of safety, as many assume, is not having a chimney. Many think that having no fireplace means that Santa has no means of ingress into their home, but that’s simply not true. Likewise, many assume that Santa is a normal man with strange magic powers. Again, not true. Sometimes, Santa may take the form of a man, but just as often, he remains in his natural state, that of an intangible Christmas Spirit. In that form, he is able to enter your home through any exterior defenses, whether locked doors and windows, electric fences, or magical barriers.

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And it is in that form he is most deadly. He’s not able to switch the “From” names on your presents to his own in that state, but he has a far more dangerous tool at his disposal. In his Christmas Spirit form, he can take over people’s minds, possessing them or making him his thrall. If you’ve ever wondered why Santa can appear in so many stores at the same time, or why he looks slightly different every time you see him, that would be why. Those are simply others whose very sense of being he has overpowered. It seems he is only able to do so to adult males, it’s very rare to see a woman under his direct control, but for anyone who falls under it, it seems his call is irresistable; no matter how strong-willed they are, they will do his bidding. Most of the time, his thralls are easily identifiable, for they will wear his guise and his clothing. On Christmas Eve, however, his powers grow, and his thralls may not necessarily bear these marks. You should be suspicious and ready to strike against any adult male in your vicinity. Not every grown man is susceptible to his glamours, many, like myself, seem to be immune. But enough of them are that until proven otherwise, you should be suspicious of your significant others, fathers, grandparents, uncles, and any other adult male relatives. When in doubt, it is safer to knock them unconscious than to hope that Santa has not seized hold of their mind. They may pass an uncomfortable night, but if they care about you, they will undoubtedly be pleased to do their part to keep their home safe.

If you’re a grown man yourself, it seems the best way to protect yourself from Santa’s possession is to keep yourself in an altered state of mind. Get drunk. Stay drunk. Not too drunk, because you’ll still need to be able to fight, but drunk enough. You’ll know when you’ve hit that stage. Just stay there, all Christmas Eve. You haven’t seen any of those store Santas drunk around all those kids, have you? It seems Santa has a harder time seizing someone’s mind when it’s under the influence.

Of course, the men aren’t the only ones in danger. In fact, the women might have it much worse. Particularly the mothers. Santa has a really weird love life. As chronicled by that old song, Santa has some constant, broad amorous affections, but only for mothers. Typically, those already romantically attached, as well. It seems he’ll often use his thralls to place his affections, stealing kisses from their partners, underneath the mistletoe. Which, by the way, is poisonous, because Santa spoils everything he comes across. I suspect that seeing familiar features of their loved ones under his guise opens their minds to the prospect, at which point he begins to work his glamours. Whatever the case, witness reports are constant from young children of finding Santa at his dirty work in the middle of the night, only to begin enjoying the affections of their mothers once he is done. Their fathers, nowhere to be found in all this. Some of you still living with a parent or with kids of your own may be tempted to use this odd amorousness as bait, but this is an advanced technique, with much risk at play. Leave it to the professionals.

Due to Santa’s natural phantasmal state and his possession of your friends and family, it’s not recommended to use weapons. You could easily end up harming those close to you who find themselves under Santa’s power, or you could destroy things within your home without harming Santa himself. But don’t worry, you’ll likely be able to drive him off with simply your natural abilities.

Santa will enter your house in his phantasmal state. In this form, he is largely intangible, and mostly invisible. Most people will not even realize he’s in the home. Those of you with mental powers may be able to detect his entry, and he will be very weak to your mind bullets in this state. If you don’t have those, or if you’re wanting to do some more serious damage, you’ll have to be patient and wait until he takes physical form. He will need to do this before he can interact with anything in your home, whether that’s your cookies, your presents, or your family. If he is able to seize the minds of anybody in your home, he will use their bodies, but if not, he may bring in somebody from the outside through some magic I’ve been unable to decipher as yet, or he may manifest in his own form. He is a skittish creature, and will only take a physical form if he thinks he is completely safe in doing so, so it is of vital importance to either hide well or pretend to be asleep until he appears.

Then you strike. Strike fast, strike hard. He is an accomplished combatant, with strange seasonal magics at his disposal, so the goal is to avoid getting into an extended fight with him. It will be far safer to do enough damage in a single moment to drive him off.

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The WWE has been conducting and publishing ongoing research on this for years. Their research seems to suggest that Santa is vulnerable to your finishing maneuver, provided it strikes at the head and is the type that you can pull off suddenly. Your Stone Cold Stunners, RKOs, Diamond Cutters, Sweet Chin Musics, those type of things. In my experience, you can also try for a submission hold, but that does carry a risk that he will leave a thrall in the middle of your hold. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve slapped my Scorpion Deathlock onto Santa only to have to explain to my grandfather why he came to in my hold later.

If you do not have anything suitable there in your repertoire, a stealth attack might be your best bet. Be prepared for the night in your best stealth gear, sneak up behind him as quietly as you can, and make your move when you’re within arm’s reach. I’m a fan of an elbow to the back of the skull, but you know your fighting style best.

If you do find yourself locked into melee combat with Santa, again, the goal is to deal enough damage to force Santa to release his hold and flee. Again, this may be dangerous, but keep in mind that no matter how the battle goes, drawing him into combat means that his dastardly business in your home is interrupted, so you’ve won that part of the battle already. Again, you know your fighting style best, so trust yourself there. Your best bet is to be as aggressive as possible, seeking to deal as much damage as you can as quickly as you can. The shorter your fight is, the safer you will be. He’s got a lot of cushioning on his torso, but strikes to the head and knees work well. Do not underestimate him, in spite of his weight, he is surprisingly swift. Strong, too. In my experiences, though, he’s a relatively simple fighter, mostly sticks to boxing, with some dirty moves thrown in, but his fundamentals there are strong. Fighting him may be difficult, but if you are both careful and aggressive, it should not take too long to force him to flee.

When he does, under no circumstances should you pursue him outside your home. There his magics are most powerful, and he may have reinforcements out there, in the form of other thralls, his reindeer, his wicked elves, or, worst of all, the dreaded Krampus. You may witness some dedicated Santa hunters attempt to fight him there, but it takes years of training and experience to reach the level that you can do that safely. Rest assured that you have protected the lives and safety of both yourselves and the rest of your family, and leave the next steps to those with more experience.

With this, I hope you can keep yourself and your family safe this holiday season. And as always, rest assured that we are ever growing closer to ending the evils of Xmas once and for all.

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Take a Stand. Take Down Santa.

Photo by Cyril Doussin.  Click for source.

Photo by Cyril Doussin. Click for source.

So, it’s that time of year again. That time when the sun can’t bear to look upon us, the time the very darkness in the atmosphere forces us to hide within our homes, the time when all the first world devotes to worshiping that demonic thief in the night: Santa Claus. Idols to that jolly red roof lurker have pervaded all aspects of our culture. There’s no escape. Trust me, I’ve been trying for years.  Santa Claus, the Christmas mascot.  Normal, sensible people will lose their mind in a false sense of happiness at the mere sight of him.  People look upon him as some sign of peace, joy, and happiness. Oh, those fools.

I’m tempted to say you all disgust me, for your blighted Santa infatuations, but I won’t. Not because you don’t all disgust me, I’m just not going to say it. And, because I realize that you’re all mostly just unenlightened as to the evils of that crimson mass of blubber. All you know is the tales of the rosey cheeks and cherry nose and the magical times at the north pole and the reindeer and sleigh and the presents, presents, PRESENTS! Well, Santa is not that man. And I’m tired of being the only one around that knows it. So, please read these following facts, and hopefully, after I’m done, you’ll be convinced enough to join me in my annual holiday celebration of kicking Santa’s fat butt as soon as he enters our homes.

St. Nick, another name for Santa Claus, is patron saint of:

Merchants-Christmas is not about the presents so that you can make your friends and family happy, no. Christmas is about the presents so that you can fill the coffers of those who bankroll Satan Claws on his yearly quest.

Thieves-fitting, as Santa sneaks into your house like one. And you ever notice how everything you’ve ever loved is missing after Santa visits your home? That’s because Santa is also the patron saint of…

Pawnbrokers-That’s where everything that goes missing after Christmas ends up. Also, half the presents you give out go there too, because people are jerks. Santa-worshiping jerks.

Furthermore, St. Nick has spent his immortal life waging a war with Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, Women’s Empowerment, and Virginity. As for why this battle’s gone on, well, he is the patron saint of prostitutes.

Everyone knows that Santa gives presents to the good kids. What about the bad kids though? Coal? Well, yes, but he’s also got a long, long history of giving bad children golden colored birch branches to be beaten with. So Santa’s an advocate of child abuse, too.

Santa doesn’t work alone, either. He has a couple of companions, such as Black Peter. Black Peter used to be a murderer, who attempted to serve St. Nick human flesh. So Santa turned him into some immortal… thing who alternatively scares and entertains children by performing a minstrel show in blackface. So Santa’s a racist, too.

There’s also the Krampus, a demon who rides shotgun with Santa, punishing the bad kids as Santa rewards the good. By punishment, I mean those children are whipped, kidnapped, drowned in ink, dragged to hell, that sort of thing.

NORAD tracks Santa whenever he’s flying around. They pretend it’s some kind of cutesy Christmas funtime thing, but clearly, they don’t trust him any more than I do. And if the US Government doesn’t trust somebody, why should you?  Granted, they’re apparently tracking all their own citizens out of paranoia, but still!  My point kind of stands!

Santa is officially a Canadian citizen. That means he’s entering our country illegally every year. He’s also got homes in America, and each of the Nordic countries. Forbes has him as the single richest person in the year. Does he ever pay a cent in taxes? There you have it. Santa is the reason for our deficit.

And this is only a few of the evils that man has committed. I can go on all day, listing his crimes, the various demons under his command, and the rest of the reasons for my lifelong vendetta against him.  But I’d still like to hold onto my sanity. Hopefully, this is enough for you.  You’ve seen the terrors this man is capable of.  This villain, this thief in the night who breaks into all of our houses to steal our cookies and kiss our mothers!  It is time to fight back.  Time to finish the era of Santa Claus.  I have had enough of him.  And so have you! So join me, and let’s end our common nemesis!