Pathways to Paradise

It’s that time of year again. Time where we take a look back at the year passed. Time where we review what we accomplished. Time where we honor all those people scouring the internet for their weird sex things who mistakenly ended up here, home of myself, the weirdest sex thing around.

I don’t know about you, but my 2017 blew chunks. Even this year’s search terms leading people to this blog are more mundane than they have been in years past. But still, it’s worth taking a look at what’s become a somewhat annual tradition for us here at Lost to the Aether, and seeing if we can discern just why exactly I am so crazy popular. Here are some of the more unusual search terms that have brought people here.

yandere simulator porn

Once again, this has taken the top slot of our search engine referrals. It used to be that people would mistakenly stumble onto our post about the visual novel Yandere-chan, which is neither porn nor is it Yandere Simulator. Midway through last year, I attempted to at least redirect people to something somewhat relevant to them by writing a post about Yandere Simulator, so that those getting lost on the dark side of the internet would find something halfway relevant to their search, at least. I like to think that I’ve left these randy wanderers at least a bit better off by connecting with their interests.

yandere chan porn

Except apparently I was already there for a bunch of people.

in legend of zelda is link an indian

The most popular post on this site by far is some random musings about the connection between the Japanese Rupee used in the occupation of Burma and the currency of Legend of Zelda. Rupees are a subject of much consideration on the internet. But to answer you question, no, Legend of Zelda has no direct connection to India, no shared themes, nothing. The rupee thing just seems to be a coincidence. Or is it? Read the internet’s hottest post to find out.

In any case, this is probably the biggest stretch I’ve seen so far, in regards to that subject.

viola dewynter boob inflation fanfic

Apparently, there’s a lot of weird searches that lead people here. I would normally let this one roll off me. But I got more than just a few hits coming from this fetish search. And it’s odd to me. Not only would multiple people be searching for this specific character in this specific fetish, but multiple people saw my site pop up in the search results, with nothing anywhere here about boob inflation I might add, and thought that they’d interrupt whatever it is people into boob inflation do and spend time here.

I’m not sure if I should be happy people are reading my stuff or if I should be hoping they were disappointed by what they found.

aether sex videos com

This search, or a variation on it, pops up every year. Give it a rest. You will never find them. I’ve hidden them too well.

stupid things said by cliff bleszinski

Hahahahahaha ha ha… ha…. aw man. I don’t mind the guy, particularly that he realizes this about himself, but yeah. There’s a well that’s never going to run dry.

saints row 2 red gang mullet

This one just makes me happy. I think I’m going to start calling the character that. Red Gang Mullet certainly fits him a lot better than whatever his name was.

yandere lost to the aether

For the record, no. I’ve written about yandere’s. I’m not one myself. Then again, would a yandere know that they were really yandere?

what is the exact falling action for the lost future story

Hey look! Somebody got distracted while doing their English II homework.

what month of the year does the aether fall from heaven

That’s probably the sweetest attempt to find out my birthday that I’ve ever come across. Still, no luck for you there. I’ve devoured my birthday a long time ago. The secret to my eternal youth.

The ladies choice guy

That’s right! I am the guy who is the ladies’ choice! You found the right place, coming here…

oh. wait. You were looking for something else.

jesus jedi

This one is notable mostly in that I have no idea how this lead you here. What could I have written that this search would possibly connect to. I’m honestly curious.

And that’s that for this year. See you all again in however long I feel like!

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Your Guide to Holiday Home Defense

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It’s that time of year again. The time when that spirit of doom rises over us all. That time when we all have to watch our backs every moment of every day. That time when we all know that Jolly Red Roof Lurker waits for our moment of weakness to invade our homes, eat all our cookies, get uncomfortably familiar with our children, and take the credit for all our thoughtfully chosen gifts. Just this morning, before I got into work, he was in my office. He left me something right on my desk. A tin of cheap cocoa and a couple of mugs with his face on it. To mock me. Just to show he knows where I work and that even though it’s behind a couple levels of security, he can still get into it any time he wishes.

I am many things in life. I’m the world’s sexiest human being. I am the new hope for good in a world without. But I’m also the world’s foremost Santa Hunter. And this year, I thought I would do my part to further make the world a safer place and talk about how to defend yourself against Santa, this year. Now, there’s not a science to combatting old St. Nick. You have to be prepared to be flexible, and honestly, there’s a lot to it that you won’t pick up without years of experience. But Satan Claws does operate according to a rather strict set of rules, and knowing them, knowing how to take advantage of them, could just save your life this year.

It can seem impossible to fight back against Santa. After all, he’s constantly watching everything you do. You know that weird thing you do when nobody’s watching? Yeah, he sees that. He’s also everywhere. Especially this time of year. You can’t go anywhere without spotting signs of his involvement. It can seem overwhelming. But keep in mind you don’t have to worry about all that. You don’t have to deal with him in the stores or out on the streets. Sure, it would be an opportunity to rid us of the red menace once and for all, but leave that to the professionals like me. You just need to worry about defending yourself for one single moment, when he enters your home.

The first step in that is just knowing who he targets. Santa is notoriously prejudiced in his operations. For some reason, the Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and practitioners of many other faiths are generally safe from his invasion. Perhaps the most reliable way of ensuring you and your home is safe is to convert to one of those religions, in which case he might just ignore you entirely.

He also seems to focus more on homes with young children. Being child-free is less of a guarantee of safety, but perhaps something to consider.

What is no guarantee of safety, as many assume, is not having a chimney. Many think that having no fireplace means that Santa has no means of ingress into their home, but that’s simply not true. Likewise, many assume that Santa is a normal man with strange magic powers. Again, not true. Sometimes, Santa may take the form of a man, but just as often, he remains in his natural state, that of an intangible Christmas Spirit. In that form, he is able to enter your home through any exterior defenses, whether locked doors and windows, electric fences, or magical barriers.

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And it is in that form he is most deadly. He’s not able to switch the “From” names on your presents to his own in that state, but he has a far more dangerous tool at his disposal. In his Christmas Spirit form, he can take over people’s minds, possessing them or making him his thrall. If you’ve ever wondered why Santa can appear in so many stores at the same time, or why he looks slightly different every time you see him, that would be why. Those are simply others whose very sense of being he has overpowered. It seems he is only able to do so to adult males, it’s very rare to see a woman under his direct control, but for anyone who falls under it, it seems his call is irresistable; no matter how strong-willed they are, they will do his bidding. Most of the time, his thralls are easily identifiable, for they will wear his guise and his clothing. On Christmas Eve, however, his powers grow, and his thralls may not necessarily bear these marks. You should be suspicious and ready to strike against any adult male in your vicinity. Not every grown man is susceptible to his glamours, many, like myself, seem to be immune. But enough of them are that until proven otherwise, you should be suspicious of your significant others, fathers, grandparents, uncles, and any other adult male relatives. When in doubt, it is safer to knock them unconscious than to hope that Santa has not seized hold of their mind. They may pass an uncomfortable night, but if they care about you, they will undoubtedly be pleased to do their part to keep their home safe.

If you’re a grown man yourself, it seems the best way to protect yourself from Santa’s possession is to keep yourself in an altered state of mind. Get drunk. Stay drunk. Not too drunk, because you’ll still need to be able to fight, but drunk enough. You’ll know when you’ve hit that stage. Just stay there, all Christmas Eve. You haven’t seen any of those store Santas drunk around all those kids, have you? It seems Santa has a harder time seizing someone’s mind when it’s under the influence.

Of course, the men aren’t the only ones in danger. In fact, the women might have it much worse. Particularly the mothers. Santa has a really weird love life. As chronicled by that old song, Santa has some constant, broad amorous affections, but only for mothers. Typically, those already romantically attached, as well. It seems he’ll often use his thralls to place his affections, stealing kisses from their partners, underneath the mistletoe. Which, by the way, is poisonous, because Santa spoils everything he comes across. I suspect that seeing familiar features of their loved ones under his guise opens their minds to the prospect, at which point he begins to work his glamours. Whatever the case, witness reports are constant from young children of finding Santa at his dirty work in the middle of the night, only to begin enjoying the affections of their mothers once he is done. Their fathers, nowhere to be found in all this. Some of you still living with a parent or with kids of your own may be tempted to use this odd amorousness as bait, but this is an advanced technique, with much risk at play. Leave it to the professionals.

Due to Santa’s natural phantasmal state and his possession of your friends and family, it’s not recommended to use weapons. You could easily end up harming those close to you who find themselves under Santa’s power, or you could destroy things within your home without harming Santa himself. But don’t worry, you’ll likely be able to drive him off with simply your natural abilities.

Santa will enter your house in his phantasmal state. In this form, he is largely intangible, and mostly invisible. Most people will not even realize he’s in the home. Those of you with mental powers may be able to detect his entry, and he will be very weak to your mind bullets in this state. If you don’t have those, or if you’re wanting to do some more serious damage, you’ll have to be patient and wait until he takes physical form. He will need to do this before he can interact with anything in your home, whether that’s your cookies, your presents, or your family. If he is able to seize the minds of anybody in your home, he will use their bodies, but if not, he may bring in somebody from the outside through some magic I’ve been unable to decipher as yet, or he may manifest in his own form. He is a skittish creature, and will only take a physical form if he thinks he is completely safe in doing so, so it is of vital importance to either hide well or pretend to be asleep until he appears.

Then you strike. Strike fast, strike hard. He is an accomplished combatant, with strange seasonal magics at his disposal, so the goal is to avoid getting into an extended fight with him. It will be far safer to do enough damage in a single moment to drive him off.

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The WWE has been conducting and publishing ongoing research on this for years. Their research seems to suggest that Santa is vulnerable to your finishing maneuver, provided it strikes at the head and is the type that you can pull off suddenly. Your Stone Cold Stunners, RKOs, Diamond Cutters, Sweet Chin Musics, those type of things. In my experience, you can also try for a submission hold, but that does carry a risk that he will leave a thrall in the middle of your hold. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve slapped my Scorpion Deathlock onto Santa only to have to explain to my grandfather why he came to in my hold later.

If you do not have anything suitable there in your repertoire, a stealth attack might be your best bet. Be prepared for the night in your best stealth gear, sneak up behind him as quietly as you can, and make your move when you’re within arm’s reach. I’m a fan of an elbow to the back of the skull, but you know your fighting style best.

If you do find yourself locked into melee combat with Santa, again, the goal is to deal enough damage to force Santa to release his hold and flee. Again, this may be dangerous, but keep in mind that no matter how the battle goes, drawing him into combat means that his dastardly business in your home is interrupted, so you’ve won that part of the battle already. Again, you know your fighting style best, so trust yourself there. Your best bet is to be as aggressive as possible, seeking to deal as much damage as you can as quickly as you can. The shorter your fight is, the safer you will be. He’s got a lot of cushioning on his torso, but strikes to the head and knees work well. Do not underestimate him, in spite of his weight, he is surprisingly swift. Strong, too. In my experiences, though, he’s a relatively simple fighter, mostly sticks to boxing, with some dirty moves thrown in, but his fundamentals there are strong. Fighting him may be difficult, but if you are both careful and aggressive, it should not take too long to force him to flee.

When he does, under no circumstances should you pursue him outside your home. There his magics are most powerful, and he may have reinforcements out there, in the form of other thralls, his reindeer, his wicked elves, or, worst of all, the dreaded Krampus. You may witness some dedicated Santa hunters attempt to fight him there, but it takes years of training and experience to reach the level that you can do that safely. Rest assured that you have protected the lives and safety of both yourselves and the rest of your family, and leave the next steps to those with more experience.

With this, I hope you can keep yourself and your family safe this holiday season. And as always, rest assured that we are ever growing closer to ending the evils of Xmas once and for all.

Dirty Deeds in Fallout

Last time, y’all decided that our dear, sweet, lovely Athena, so new to the cruelties of the wasteland, so innocent to the horrors of life, only ever wanted to make it a better place to live, was going to be a down and dirty thief. Such a heel turn. And frankly, I’m ashamed of you all. How could you do that to her? Turn someone who so far had never done anything foul against anyone that didn’t deserve it into someone who would willingly violate the sanctity of someone’s home, take something precious and irreplaceable to them, and hand it over to someone else for nothing other than a handful of bottlecaps? I hope you all feel really bad with yourselves.
Which is to say, I actually already did this in the same session I was doing everything else last update, so I’m really glad you voted the way you did.

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But before we get to our Dirty Deeds Done Dirt ExpensivebecauseAthenadon’tcomecheap, let’s get some errands out of the way. First off, we check with Jasmine, a member of the Circle of Thieves on our way out the door. She hands us some flares and a lockpicking kit to get ready for the job ahead of us. We already have a lockpicking kit, and I don’t know what we’re supposed to do with flares given that we’re operating in the shadows now. Vendor trash, the both of them.
She also warns us not to do anything against Hightower, our little thieving target here, other than take his stuff. He’s apparently really good to the Circle of Thieves. He doesn’t know it, but he is. If he gets iced and someone with better security takes his place, they’ll be out money. So peace and discretion is the name of the day. Sort of.

We leave the circle, and start heading back towards central The Hub. On the way there, you remember the building I mentioned last time that has several toughs we’re not yet strong enough to handle? One of them sees us through a window as we pass by, and the entire group of way higher-leveled and better equipped enemies pile onto us. Uh…. that wasn’t supposed to happen.

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And look, I know I’ve had some fun getting Athena into and out of situations she’s barely specced to handle, but not this one. This one doesn’t go well. Continue reading

Corpse Party

I guess I’ve just been in the mood for this. After I finished up with the Witch’s House, I started up its fellow Japanese RPG Maker developed horror game, which seems really too specific to be a thing but it totally is, Corpse Party. Corpse Party isn’t a freeware game like the Witch’s House, so although it’s got the same basic DNA, it’s got a much more professional presentation. And when you think of professional, of course you think of your main man Aether, so given that totally excellent segue, let’s get down to our review of the game.

Corpse Party is a version of a game that’s a remake of another game from like 1996 or something. There’s a couple different versions of the game, and they all seem to be slightly different in presentation. Basically a horror adventure. Trapped in a school. An evil school. Have to pixel hunt and solve the occasional puzzle to get out. All the while avoiding things that will happen to you. Bad things. Just in case you were thinking you might have to avoid ice cream or something. Wanted to be clear on that. The school is full of traps and also haunted and some of the traps might be haunted to. Maybe you’ll get possessed. Maybe you’ll go crazy. Maybe you’ll make the wrong move and find yourself sliced in half. Doesn’t that sound like fun? And if you die here, there’s no pearly gates waiting for you on the other side. Your soul will linger, feeling the pain you felt at the moment of your death for all eternity.

So it goes without saying that the death scenes are some of the best parts in the game. But let’s get into that later.

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So, like I said, Corpse Party is an RPG Maker Horror game. That should give you at least some idea of what you’re looking at. Sprite art everything, text boxes with occasional options the main means of progressing story, simple chase scenes mixed in sporadically, the works. And let’s get the conclusion out of the way here. Horror games are always going to be a ‘your mileage may vary’ type of thing. It’s so personalized, so built on tapping into just who you are and what makes you tick and twisting that against you, that how you react to it is definitely going to be an individualized deal. And I’m going to say that Corpse Party is going to be even more that than most. The horror is really all it has to it. The gameplay is as white bread as it gets, the puzzles barely require thought, plot is totally ehhhhhhh, so it’s all atmosphere here.

And there’s a lot of ways that horror media. Some go the psychological route. Some fill themselves with jumpscares and play off the fear of that momentary panic. Some will present you with things from your everyday life and twist them into freakish interpretations of themselves. Corpse Party goes the route of just being straight disturbing.

The ghosts aren’t particularly scary, in themselves. Nor are the traps. It’s what they do with you that gets to it. You know how most media, right before it does the horrible gruesome thing, will cut away and leave it up to your imagination? Corpse Party doesn’t do that. Corpse Party shows you the horrible thing the whole way through. And the creators are very creative with their horrible things. You get a few stinkers, sure, but for the most part, the game is full of cruel and unusual ways to die, rendered in disturbing detail. You get spared a bit by the fact that it’s all in pixel art, it’d probably cross the line into being rather disgusting if it was in a more representative form, but the descriptions and audio bits do a really good job of carrying that through. It’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. And if it’s not yours, nothing wrong with that. You’re probably what the professionals call “well-adjusted”. If that is the sort of thing you’re into, well, it’s what really carries the experience for you.

I do really have to give props to the game for its audio design. You don’t get the usual freesounds.com bits here, the audio is used very, very well to match the scenes. They’re unique, and really carry along the activity, and most of all, are the biggest piece carrying along that horror atmosphere that’s so important in this type of thing. The soundtrack is notably strong, as well. The voice acting was all recorded binaurally, meaning that if you’re listening to the game through headphones, you’ll get some pretty sweet 3D sound out of it. I’m too lazy to walk across the room and pick up a pair, but I imagine it’s a pretty interesting experience.

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