Cooking with Testosterone: Steak and Sprouts

My family cajoled me into writing a dumb thing about cooking again.  I thought there’s a slim possibility someone other than them would enjoy it, so what the hell, let’s share it here.

So what we’re looking at today is steak and sprouts, a meal that became a classic the instant it emerged from my head. You might remember brussel sprouts as those vegetables you haven’t seen ever since you got your own home because your parents always made you eat them because they were ‘good for you’ even though they both looked and tasted like green cow poop. As it turns out, it’s not only possible to make them taste good, it’s easy, you just have to get over that parental idea that only bad things are good for you.


If you’re lucky enough to have one of those moms who loves you, then you might have no idea what brussel sprouts look like. You can see them in the picture here. I used frozen brussel sprouts for this dish. Fresh brussel sprouts would almost certainly be better, but that’s a risky proposition, as the chances of you eating them before they go bad is almost nil on account of the fact that they’re brussel sprouts. Our first step is to cut them into chunks. Then we bake them. We do this first, because brussel sprouts take a long while to cook. That means that not only did your mom make torture you with her lame, disgusting sprouts, she put a lot of work into her torment too.

After that, it’s time to prep the steak. We’ll rub Worcestershire sauce, salt, and fresh black pepper into both sides. Keep in mind that Worcestershire sauce uses sardines as an ingredient, so if you’re making this steak for your vegetarian friends, maybe find a substitute sauce. Then we’ll let that sit for a while.


In order to get our sprouts tasting good, we need to add something that counteracts both their bitterness and their healthiness. So we fight the brussel sprouts with another superfood, and mix pomegranate juice with maple syrup. We’re going to boil this concoction down until it’s thicker than the maple syrup in consistency.


As our brussel sprouts are starting to get crispy, we’re going to break out the manliest of cookware, the cast-iron pan. Requiring regular care and upkeep, with a passionate fandom behind it, and heavy and sturdy enough that you can use it to fight of the horde when they show up at the door, this pan fits every uber-male stereotype I care to think of at the moment. We’re going to drop some oil in it, get it good and hot, and sear one side of our steak. Once that’s done, we flip the steak over, and immediately pop it in the oven, pan and all, for a good bake.

Sprouts are done once they’ve crisped up and are starting to brown in the core. The syrup’s done when it’s a syrup. I’m sure you know what to do then.


And that’s how it all comes out. So how good is it? Well, I’d tell you, but I wouldn’t want to make you all jealous that I got to eat this and you didn’t.

13 responses to “Cooking with Testosterone: Steak and Sprouts

  1. Looks like an excellent meal! I might not cook it with so much testosterone, but I think that syrup is going to make an appearance the next time I want something sweet on top of my vegetables!

    • Testosterone is actually not required! I know, I was surprised too.

      If you’re interested in the syrup, it’s basically just half a cup of pomegranate juice and a tablespoon of maple syrup, then let it boil over medium heat until it goes down. Took me 20-25 minutes of boiling, but I live at high altitude, so if you don’t, it’ll take a bit less time than that.

  2. That little joke about making steak for vegetarians reminds me of this bizarre Nintendo DS advert from circa 10 years ago starring Fred Willard…

    Hey, I’m just trying to keep it gaming related here, alright?

    On topic though, sprouts and I are age old enemies but the way you’ve done them here actually looks half-appealing. If I can get past the childhood trauma, I will have to give this a try!

    • Here I was thinking this was going to be completely irrelevant to the people who normally come here, but hey, you saved it for us! Also, I completely forgot they had a cookbook game for that.

      I wonder what other vegetables that could work with. Anything that would take to the sharp sweetness of the syrup, I would think stuff that has a relatively mild to somewhat bitter taste, but eh. It might work with pretty much anything. That way you don’t have to face your trauma!

  3. Looks awesome and tasty! Even though I have loads of Estrogen, I can’t cook to save my life, haha 🙂

    • Well, the best way to learn to cook is practice, but that means you have to live through a lot of bad food until you get there. Not the most fun, but there’s another side that you’ll reach eventually. At least, that’s what people tell me.

  4. I am one of the few people in my family that likes sprouts. Yum. You can really taste the bovine poop.

    • Of course, if you like sprouts, that means the rest of your family never served it to you as a kid, right? It’s funny how that always seems to work out.

  5. I never had brussel sprouts growing up, and I’m one of those weird people who absolutely LOVES them. Like I’m so excited if the cafeteria at my job has them. It’s like the best day ever. I’m not a huge steak fan, but your pictures of that meal (with the sprouts) looks like something I could get along with.

    • I’m not sure, but I think that might mean you’re genetically predisposed to be healthier than everyone else. The next step of human evolution. Brussel sprouts.

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