I hear you. You don’t speak much, but even so, I hear you. And perhaps more importantly, I listen. You’ve been telling me something for a long, long time now. You’ve been telling me what you want, for a good long while now. I haven’t given it to you yet, and for that, I’m sorry, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been listening. I know what you want. My search terms tell me so.
Specifically, you want some Yandere Simulator porn.
In fact, you’re absolutely hungry for it. No, you don’t need to deny it. I know. See, here’s the top search terms bringing you to my site in 2015.
That’s changed a bit in 2016, but I can tell your desire is still there.
All that, in spite of the fact that I have never actually written about Yandere Simulator. Or porn of Yandere Simulator. It dominates my search results, but has never touched this blog.
But I am a man of the people. So, there’s two great tastes we’re looking at here. One is a pre-alpha build of an indie video game steeped in creepiness. The other is graphic images and films intended for sexual arousal of a third party. Together, this is really far outside of my usual wheelhouse, but I’m willing to meet you halfway. We’ll pick one of those aspects, the one in the medium I’ve spent my whole life and most of the posts on this blog building myself up in, and we’ll have ourselves a good old runaround about that.
Now, which aspect we’re picking up should be pretty obvious. I’ve got a great passion for video games. Hell, just count how many words I’ve devoted to gaming in this blog alone. Go ahead, count them. I’ll wait here for you.
Yeah, you’ve got that right. On top of that, I’ve been a player since I was a cub, barely learning to walk. Video games make up a large part of who I am. It’d be amiss for me to choose any other aspect.
Crap, I think I screwed something up there.
So, anyways. Yandere Simulator. I was only made aware of this project by my post on the Yandere-chan visual novel drawing so many misaimed searches for this game. It seems I’m not the only one who has trouble keeping these things separated. In fact, let’s play a game, and count how many times I have to delete it when I accidentally write ‘Yandere-chan’ instead of the game’s title as I’m typing this up. In any case, one of Standard Damage’s videos reminded me that this was a thing that exists a while back. I figured that, given that I’m getting so many hits for this game without ever writing about it, I must have written a post that was so awesome its views traveled through time. And you know what? I think today’s the day we’ll make that happen. Don’t worry, I’ll try to remember you all after this post makes me famous.
Yandere Simulator (1) is, as the title says, all about living the life of a yandere. As we covered in our Yandere-chan post, a yandere is someone, usually a woman, in love, who seems all sorts of sweet on the surface but is a complete and total psychopath underneath. Apparently, this is attractive. At least, I assume some people find it attractive. I haven’t exactly gone out looking, but I know how the internet works.
Anyways, Yandere Simulator is an indie game. Or it will be. There’s something out there that you can play, but it’s pre-alpha. Very pre-alpha. Like preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-alpha. The developer describes the game as being 5% complete. Which might be selling it a bit short, as I’ve played plenty of games gone gold that have crashed on me a lot more than Yandere Simulator (2), but point is, this is an incredibly early build of something that may one day see the light of day thanks to a little Kickstarter magic.
It also seems to be very popular. At least judging from all those people who have searched for it and found their way here even though, once again, I’ve never written about this before now!!!
So hey. Let’s see what this is all about.
I know only three things about Yandere Simulator (3) from the outset. I know it’s about murders, I know it’s about senpais, and I know those two things are related. So hey, here’s are characters in question. I get to make the senpai myself. Isn’t he dreamy?
So, a quick opening cutscene fills me in on some things. I’ve never had emotions, until I saw senpai. At that moment, I uncovered some true love within myself. Or whatever passes for love when you’re in high school. Man, I fell in love like eight times in high school, personally, and I don’t think any of them actually counted. Anyways, senpai’s apparently got some game rivalling your main man Aether, because he’s got women just lining up to throw themselves at him and confess their feelings. And I don’t like that.
Of course, it doesn’t help that some mysterious panty shot monger is egging me on. Apparently, that’s a market that could do with something of a mix up, and she aims to make that happen. Through me. Whatever, as long as nobody talks with senpai anymore, I’m cool with it. I guess? I’m having a really hard time getting into character here. Which is a little odd. Usually I can just slip right into those lovestruck young women.
With that, it starts me off in my room, at about 6:30 in the morning. Here’s our first sign that this isn’t a very realistic game. Everyone knows that whole span of time from 4 am to about 7:15 just vanished off the clock in 2012. I haven’t seen 6:30 am in years. I’ve stopped believing it ever existed. I roam around my room a bit, checking out some stuff there. There’s a small creepy shrine to senpai, except it’s to some other senpai because that’s not a picture of my senpai on there. There’s my dresser. Apparently, I only own this one school uniform and the rest of my wardrobe is filled entirely with panties, which give me superpowers. Nothing else in here, but I can go to my murderhole of a basement, that seems to serve no purpose just yet. With my house thoroughly canvassed, I hop on my bike and start heading for school.
Have I mentioned this game is like waaaaaaaaaaay pre-alpha? Yeah, it shows. I’m sure this section is just here for testing, as it’s janky, empty, and just feels plain weird. It does have a few interesting landmarks to look at, but otherwise, does not seem to have much engaging. Also, hard as all hell to find your way around.
It takes me a while to find the school. A while of just riding my bike around this eerily quiet and desolate city. A good long while, bugs affecting reality around me as I go. Starts making me wonder, maybe this isn’t a testing ground after all. Maybe this is just a really complex and subtle way of demonstrating how Yandere-chan sees the world. People on the street aren’t people to her. Buildings that don’t concern her aren’t worth looking at. Even the frames of reality itself can just slip away. Perhaps Yandere Simulator is secretly a masterfully crafted thesis on the natures of this specific mental illness, meant to open doors and hearts to sufferers of Yanderitis as it forces us to better understand them by simply biking a mile in their shoes. Mayhaps this game will be held up as an avatar of the human experience, finally conveying the plight of these poor yanderes and helping them find the simple acceptance they’ve always longed for in this cold, cruel world. I know it’s melted my bitter heart.
Anyways, as it turns out, this is the school. Right there. A big featureless blob of gray. Looks exactly like my school. No idea why it took me so long to work that out.
For whatever reason, I spawn crouching, with the camera buried underground. My first thought? Those weren’t the panties I put on this morning.
You know, the obvious thing to do with this game is to just go crazy and start murdering everyone. I always like to play the lighter side, so for the time being, I try to be as nice and normal as possible. I start by complimenting everyone as they come through the school gates. This makes me popular, as I’m sure you can imagine.
After everyone enters and checks in at their lockers, they all form these little talky circles with their cliques. Exactly as I remember from my own high school. Except for senpai, there. He’s completely above all that. Oh senpai!
I go up to ask him out, and find myself too overcome with emotion to get any sort of word out. It’s not all for naught, however. For the first time ever, senpai noticed me!
Yeah, wasn’t a good impression, but I’ll take it. So I can’t go near senpai without becoming some sort of blithering idiot. Personally, I seem to have that effect on literally everyone I ever talk to in real life, so it’s kind of interesting seeing that coming from the other side.
Anyways, I get bored just hanging around circle time, so I start to explore the school. Almost all the rooms are empty, but there’s a few that have gotten something set up in there. I also run into the same creepy girl there in a few of them, who asks me to join a given club. I join up with the first club I find that actually has something in their room, the cooking club.
It seems that each club gives you some sort of special ability. From my experimentations later on, I found that the drama club gives you the ability to hide your identity so witnesses can’t attach you to crimes. The science club lets you make some very toxic cocktails. The gardening club lets you openly carry weapons around. The cooking club here lets you make those little tiny hot dog octopi it’s obviously the best club ever we need this in real life!
My fellow students concur. I share my blessings of octodogs with my classmates. This makes me super popular. Unfortunately, still can’t approach senpai to offer him a beloved octodog, but I’m sure I’ll have his classmates talking all about me.
Inadvertantly, I discover I have a phone, and with the phone, a camera, and with the camera, an ability to gather information. Basically, take a shot of someone’s face, send it to the mistress of the panty shop empire, and she’ll come back with some basic info about who that person is and their traits within the game world. It’s not all fully fleshed out just yet, but it does give a bit of insight. Incidentally, this girl’s crushing on senpai, which should make her the first stop of the pain train, but I’m still trying to play nice with this game. Also, she’s like one of two characters that has actually been given some characterization in this way early build, so I don’t want to remove her from the story just yet.
After the hot dog and snapshot adventures, it’s time to head to class. Incidentally, I don’t know where my class is. I don’t know what year I am, I don’t know who my class mates are, I don’t know nothing. There’s a button that directs you right to the classroom, but I haven’t found it yet. I spend the next half hour of in-game time randomly checking all the classrooms I can find, before I discover my own. I even check out the roof looking for class, for reasons I don’t know. By the time I find the classroom I’m not listed as ‘Intruding’ in, I end up late for class in spite of the fact that I had passed over that room twice. Smooth, Yandere-chan.
There’s a variety of subjects you can level yourself up in during class, but they all give you skills related to either killing more efficiently of manipulating others towards your desired ends. I had heard Japanese schooling was rough, but I didn’t know they were this twisted.
After class, it’s lunchtime. I can’t figure out the pop machine.
Unable to quench my thirst, I start wandering the grounds. Someone laid out a nice assortment of murder tools here. Almost as if they were expecting a set of random internet weirders needing easy access for quick efficient game testing to use them. As you well know, I am far above such simple temptations.
Well, that’s what I’d like to say. But the fact of the matter is that I’ve been playing nice for like half the day and I’m booooooooooooooooooooooooored! At this early stage, there’s not a whole lot structured you can do. They didn’t add in the rivals for senpais affection, so I have nobody to I’m supposed to hunt down and/or ruin, and the few other little bits of gameplay questing seem very incomplete. It’s just a sandbox right now. And if I’m going to have fun, I’m going to need to make it myself. So let’s just kill somebody, to see what happens.
I’m sure that last sentence just got me put on a government list somewhere. Anyways, there’s this girl that spends all day hanging around this tree that seems perfect. Knife in hand, I stalk up to her, coming up by her blind spot, ready myself, and…
There have been no interactions for her built into this game yet. She’s pretty much a ghost. All that murderous intent for nothing.
Most of the adults I find on school grounds are the same way. No souls. They don’t move, don’t react, don’t do anything. Again, you could blame that on the nature of this pre-alpha sandbox, but let’s get all wank analyst and say that this is because it’s just the way Yandere-chan views the world instead.
Nothing else to do, I go back to class when school is over, then just randomly kill some girl on the roof. I hide her body by a wall. I am a master assassin.
For good measure, I kill the two people in the video games club too. Mostly out of jealousy. I want to be in a video games club! All that pent up frustration of just being born too late for the Nintendo Fun Club pours out of me.
The murdering clearly takes its toll on my psyche. As well it should. Although you can’t really just pop up and randomly off some folks if there isn’t already something wrong with you, so maybe it’s just my stats and tics starting to more accurately affect reality. In any case, between that and the blood on my clothes, other students start noticing. But not senpai. It seems that was just a one of thing.
None of the adults notice me, though. Except for the teachers, but they’re weird. With their having souls and all.
In any case, not much else to do here, so I just look at some cheese,
find a place where I can clip my hair through a wall so I end up bald, and head home.
Although that turns out to be a mistake. My foolproof tactic of leaving the bodies next to walls was investigated by people who weren’t fools, and therefore weren’t proofed by it. Teachers called the cops, the cops find my knife, and I got taken for a long ride.
Well, that was disappointing. The game takes inspiration from the Hitman series, but unlike Hitman, I can’t just clock some fool then walk out some doors and get away scott-free. Instead, it looks like I’m going to have to use the skills I’ve developed in the other parts of the Hitman series, and actually plan out my murders. So I’ve got some video game homework to do.
Two things that really help here. I find a full list of controls, which opens up my possibilities to things I didn’t even realize I could do. Like that phone I’ve been using to take pictures? Did you realize I could use it for all the other functions of a phone too? I know, it’s ground breaking. Well, except for actually calling people, because screw that. Second thing is that I take the time to explore the grounds. Find out a bit more about what I can actually do around here. After that, I’ve got a good idea of how I can get away with murder.
Still haven’t figured out the soda machine, though.
I emerge from my studies better prepared. I will hit this school like a hurricane, and nobody will know the difference. Except for senpai. Maybe by making this sacrifice, he will finally come to terms with just how much our love is meant to be. I’ve got something magical here. I’ve got a plan.
As always, the first step of my plan is to spawn in looking up my own skirt.
Second step is to say wassup to senpai. In my head. This ensures he thinks I’m cool and totally datable. Take note, people. This is exactly how your earn dates.
Third step is to take stock of my resources. A bit of a variable here, there’s all these jerks here. Delinquents. Just hanging out by the dumpster/incinerator that I believe I’m going to need to dispose of the eventual corpse. I don’t have a solid plan for them as yet. I’ve tried killing them, but they’re mean! They don’t let me! Here’s something I’ll have to figure when it comes to it. Can’t plan things too perfectly, it’s just not fun then.
Fourth step is panty shots. Which I’ll skip over the screenshots on, if you don’t mind. I’m feeling dirty enough just playing it, don’t need to draw you into my madness. There’s a reason for this though. So when the girls all circle up, I’m there crawling around them, like the creepazoid I am. There’s a reason for this. Panty shots are basically your currency for this game. You can trade them in with the creepmonger for favors. We’ll need one of them to get away with this.
I’ve got a problem with the plan so far. I don’t actually have a victim in mind. Nobody’s stood out enough to earn my ire. They haven’t implemented the rivals for senpai’s love into the game yet, so there’s nobody for whom I’m given a reason to kill. I solve this problem easily enough. While I’m taking panty shots, a girl on the roof, a Mai Waifu, she notices me doing it! And I have to apologize to her! Obviously, for the foul crime of seeing me take creepy illegal pictures of her, she has to die.
I join the drama club, and put on a pair of gloves and a mask. With this, even if I’m seen, nobody will know who I am, and I won’t leave my prints on the murder weapon. I pick up a syringe from the nurses office. Don’t know what’s in it. Don’t care.
Then, I go head up to the roof at lunch. There she is, such a foul creature. I give my best evil laugh here. I mean, not evil laugh. A laugh of justice. She doesn’t notice.
The actual deed itself is disappointingly quick. And wow, these our words that my fingers are typing out. This game makes me feel very dirty. Anyways, that leaves behind a few elements that need to be taken care of so I can get away with all this. The corpse, obviously. The murder weapon, I may as well do something with, even though with my gloves you shouldn’t be able to trace it back to me. She leaves a lot of blood behind, and my clothes are stained with it as well. All things that will need to be disposed of.
First step is the body. Unfortunately, those delinquents are still there, but the dumpster is right underneath me. I was hoping to try and basketball her in there, but nope, I can’t get her above the bannister. I’ll need to figure out something else.
The uniform is where the panty shots come into play. Or where they were supposed to come into play. I was supposed to be able to use them to call in a favor and get a clean uniform, but it hasn’t been implemented into the game yet. Well. Instead I just buy a plan for how to get my rival expelled, but the rival’s not in the game so it can never actually be accomplished. I am a tactical genius.
Anyways, the blood stains are easily cleaned.
The problem with the delinquents easily solves itself. They may be delinquents, but they’re very well-behaved delinquents, and by the time the class bell rings they’re all sitting in their seats, their attentions rapt. I don’t need to go to class, as all that teaches me is about how to kill people, and obviously I can do that more than well enough. So I skip, and spend the time dragging my victim down to the bottom floor, outside the building, and into the furnace.
Then I head to the school showers. I could change into my gym uniform earlier, but for whatever reason that’s not an option now. In fact, my only choice is to get naked.
I dump my uniform, weapon, mask, and gloves in the furnace, and start it up.
With that done, I kind of mill around for a while, trying to figure out what I can do about my, you know, nakedness. As it turns out, having blood on you prevents you from putting on clothes. Much as it does in real life. I take a shower, then my gym uniform is there, ready for me to use.
I head back to class. The teacher’s mad at me for being late, but nobody’s the wiser.
All for you, senpai.
All for you!
At the end of the day, I leave the school. Nobody ever notices Mai Waifu is even missing. It’s a perfect crime. I have removed a being from the world, and it did not react at all. And you know what? That’s kind of lame. Makes it all feel a bit hollow. It’s probably just a result of the world being so far pre-alpha, but the gamer part of me hopes to see some sort of result out of this. An accomplishment, or an impact, or something. Rather, everything just keeps ticking on like normal.
Man, I’ll never make a good secret murderer, will I?
You know what, I want to make a moment?
I’m going to make a moment.
I just run into the school. Kill somebody. A member of the martial arts club sees me and immediately takes me down hard, before my storm of anger can even start.
All is right in the world again.
Why do (creepy) fools fall in love? Somehow, even after this post, I still can’t tell. Are we sure this game isn’t some elaborate government sting operation?
I’ve gotten a few weird search results, but still nothing like that. So far this year, I have things such as (as written):
resident evil 4 ico download
cod 4 game play
“mother 3” “dark and stormy”
“earthbound” “stick of truth” “pokey”
resident evil 4 story explained
professor layton 2016
fal cry 3
ds games with security camera and soldier and can hide under tables [?]
bravely default airy perfect form strategy
fast portion sutter games full vertion [?!]
undertale battle screenshot attack act spare
fire emblem genealogy of the holy war review
city of sigil torment is developed
stronger monsters undertale
resident evil 4 “level design”
“mother 3 is not the masterpiece”
planescape torment characters
mgs 2 ending quotes [Note: I think this one actually showed up before my review of MGS2]
far cry 3 gameplay animals
So yeah, nothing too outlandish yet; most of them actually have something to do with games I’ve reviewed!
What? Your terms are almost all relevant! That’s not fair! We need to get some sex stuff in there. Everyone needs some creepy sex stuff in there! It can’t just be me!
Although yeah, “fast portion sutter games full vertion”. Don’t even know what they were getting at there. But you know what? Just give it time. The weird stuff will come soon enough.
This game has potential. Hopefully in time the developer can add more content to appease your porn happy fan base. By the way, 6:30am does not exist – just like the Dark Hour in Persona 3.
I knew it! It’s a conspiracy to get me to wake in the morning! Those fiends!
I am actually really interested in seeing how this develops. Probably going to take quite a while, though. There’s a lot of content in the things they’re planning, and not a lot of team to do them.
Wow. Just wow. You went the extra mile and then some here! I am impressed by your dedication to appeasing the appetite of the silent majority of your readers. And I’m sure the combination of repeating the game title, the screenshots (some of them starring panties, no less) and the sexual references in the text will expand your audience from search engines even further! (If you think you have weird search term results now…)
For reals though, this “destined battle” was a great read even for someone like me who has zero interest in this game and its creepy pseudo-simulation mechanics 😛
Honestly, I’m predicting that either all those search results are going to keep pointing people towards Yandere-chan, or they’re just going to drop off entirely. Also, one thing that’s weird to me in retrospect, I thought the shots of me going after other character’s panties were too skeezy to be putting up here, but didn’t mind showing my own panties up front.
Brains are jut weird.
Glad you enjoyed it, though!
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