We’ve had an odd progression, in our journeys through Dark Souls. We started our journey because some dead guy threw a corpse at us and told us to go be the chosen one. From there, we rang some bells because some asshole told us to. Then we had to go find the macguffin because a freaky snake told us to. Last time, on Baby’s First Dark Soul, we finished that up, then we were tasked with our greatest quest yet! We have to go talk to the freaky snake again, because a holy hot chick told us to! Hey, the quest giver counts for a lot.
First thing first, we’ve got to get back to Firelink Shrine. We’re a pretty long walk away. Well, I think. After Sen’s Fortress, I have no idea where those demons flew me off to. For all I know, we could be two doors down from Firelink. In any case, it was a long, hard journey to get here, and it’d be a long, hard journey to get back. If I even can. The demons might be a little hesitant to carry me away after I killed a bunch of them. Luckily, we’ve got other options.
With the Lordvessel in hand, we’ve linked up several of these bonfires, and can freely transport between them. We can’t connect with all of them, in fact, the list of what we can teleport to is disappointingly lacking. Still this is probably going to save us a lot of time walking. And a lot of cheap stupid deaths, most like.
In any case, in spite of the Firelink Bonfire going out, I can still port here.
First thing that I notice is this. You might not think there’s anything odd about this screenshot. That’s because you hadn’t gotten used to the constant waves of depression and body odor coming from this corner. The crestfallen warrior is gone. I wonder about that. I didn’t think he actually had it in him to leave this place. Mayhaps he, so inspired by my performance, has decided to do something other than sit there and suck? Is he no longer crestfallen? I’m not sure what to call him now.
As you’ll recall, we had ourselves a brutal, bloody battle with Lautrec to get the Fire Keeper’s soul back. Using it, I can return life to her. I can bring back one of the few meager bits of light in this world that’s just so blasted dark. And yet… I find myself hesitating. As this keeper has taught me already, a Fire Keeper’s soul is a powerful thing. I could use it. I could have this consumed to upgrade my Estus Flask, improving my healing abilities and better keeping me alive in the long run. And I mean, really, wouldn’t that be a better use of her soul than just sitting in this cage and not talking to anyone? Isn’t this more important than…
I can’t believe I’m thinking like this. The undead curse is getting to me.
The Fire Keeper returns. And hey, bringing her back to life brought her tongue back, too! She calls herself Anastacia of Astora. You notice how we never seem to meet anyone from Lordran? I get that the kingdom’s famous for being the seat of the gods, and they’re not exactly trekking around collecting 20 rat asses for whatever quests they’re on, but still, we’ve seen a plenty of cities, structures, and whatnot to point out that there used to be a lot of people living here. They can’t all be dead or hollow, can they? Anyways, Anastacia actually seems a bit upset that her tongue’s back. I wonder why. The Fire Keeper in Anor Londo was just fine with it. I leave her be for now.
Next, we have to talk to Frampt, and…
Frampt? Kingseeker? Hello?
Okay, there we go.
Yep, Best Chosen One, in the flesh. What, ringing the bells wasn’t enough proof for you?
Whoa! Need a moment there, big guy?
After he recovers from all the excitement of being in my presence, he says we need to take the Lordvessel on a journey. I agree to do so, and he rears back, then leans forward, and…
AGRHFLGHFLFHGHLFFFFFFFFFFF!
GMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFH!!!!!
GMMMMMMMMMBLAGH!
Ugh! That was… that… I’m never going to be clean again. I don’t think there’s any earthly force that can remedy… whatever the hell just happened. If I’ve proved anything, though, it’s that I’m a survivor. Or whatever you call someone who dies hundreds of times but never quits anyway. It’s that. That’s what I am. I find myself before an altar in what Frampt calls the Firelink Chamber. At his prompting, I approach and set the Lordvessel in place.
That big bowl? That’s the Lordvessel. I’ve been carrying it all this time. Just pulled it from my pocket right now.
It was a struggle to fit it next to my wallet, but not much to do about that.
After all, when this slammin’ hot goddess asks you to shove a gigantic bowl down your pants, you find a way.
Not even a big deal, really.
Light pierces the heavens. A couple of golden fog gates dissipate. I’m sure I’ll be venturing through them in short order. Probably shortly to be followed by my bloody death. Sounds like fun!
There’s a massive door behind the altar, but it’s locked. With the Lordvessel in place, the altar now serves as a bonfire. So I could warp out of here and avoid all that mess with, you know, Frampt’s mouth, but before I leave, I have a feeling I need to ask the primordial serpent some more questions. Like for example, what the hell am I supposed to do now?
Oh, that’s all? I just need to take souls comparable to the size and power of Lord Gwyn? Anything else? I thought you were going to ask something hard. I just need to kill the Dead Guy Made of Dead Guys, the Hot Witch, and the Albino Dragon, all of whom we saw in the intro as being supreme bad dudes who totally wrecked all the everlasting dragons in the most metal ways ever? Then I need to take down the Four Kings of Anor Londo to take back the soul of Geezer Zeus? Don’t exactly know who those are, but they don’t sound like chumps. I just have to slay all of them? Oh sure, no problem. I’ll see if I can fit that in my schedule between cursing Blighttown for existing and trying to explain to Gwynevere what a ‘motorboat’ is.
We are all so doomed. 😦
Ready? What, no, I can warp out through…
No! I got this…
GRAAAGGHH
BLARGHgotdommit!
You know, I’m not so sure about this whole deal. I get that it’s for the fate of the world and the destiny of the Best Chosen One and all, but aside from the fact that any one of these guys are counted as among the biggest badasses in Lordran’s history and can probably kick my ass three ways to sunday, I doesn’t really feel kosher to me to just go out hunting down people who are probably out minding their own business. Frampt urges me not to feel guilty about it, because…
As possibly the world’s greatest hero, I’m all about killing the wicked, but it’s ok to slay them because they’ve ‘outlived their usefulness’? My soul may have been going dark lately, but even so, that just doesn’t sound right to me. This world’s been going to hell, yeah, but killing possibly innocent people in the name of saving it? I’m not sure I’m up for that. The lives of all are more important than the lives of a few, but still, this isn’t sitting right with me.
Next time: Doing our best to do nothing.
Lost to the Aether 
I think I understand the story of this game way better reading your play through than when I played it myself lol
It’s amazing how much simpler plotlines become when you boil all the complicated characters and motivations down to “this asshole, this jerk, this freaky snake, etc.”
This was awesome 😀 Love these posts, and saves me having to try and fail to play the actual game!
I’m glad you enjoy it! I know this sort of game isn’t exactly what’s normally in your wheelhouse, so I’m happy I’ve still been able to keep you entertained.
I’ve been away. now i’m back. enjoyed this thoroughly. hope you’ve been well, my friend
Welcome back! Sorry, I’ve been away for a good few days as well. Glad to see I’m still able to bring you entertainment. Been well enough, and I hope life in the salt mines has been none too harsh on you as well.
Ungrateful about having her tongue restored? What a cow. I guess you should have been greedy and kept the soul for yourself.
Maybe I should have just taken the tongue. Wouldn’t be the weirdest thing I’ve stuffed into my pockets, this game.