MEDIA CONTACT: Corporal Maxwell Hammer, Public Affairs Liaison
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
I’m proud to be a Terran. Who wouldn’t be? We’ve got the most trustworthy government, the most powerful military, and the happiest citizens the galaxy has ever seen. From our founding in the year 2323 tao today, we have expanded our territory and taken just what we deserve, and let me tell you, we deserve a lot. Have you taken a look at everything we’ve accomplished lately? Pretty impressive, right? And you know what? Go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back. You’re part of the Terran Confederacy, so our success are your success too. You’re just one more cog that makes this great machine of ours work, and I’m proud of you.
Well, most of you. A very select few of you, I’m rather disappointed with. For they’ve been spreading lies. Filthy, dangerous lies. I speak, as I’m sure you’re aware, of traitors in our midst, of these so-called Terrans for the Ethical Treatment of Zerglings(TETZ) and these horrid falsehoods about Zerglings they’ve been passing around.
As I’m sure every responsible, red-blooded citizen of the Terran Confederacy knows, we are at war with the Zerg Swarm. The Zerg are parasites, infesting and assimilating all they encounter. It is important to know that the Confederacy has never interfered with the Swarm; it is in fact they who forced us into the war, seeking to take the pure potential for greatness that exists in the heart of every Terran citizen (except, of course, for those scumbags at TETZ) and twisting it into a weapon they can use against the Protoss. We do not fight the Zerg for our own entertainment. And we especially do not push back the Zerglings “because they look alien to us,” as the traitorous dogs at TETZ suggest. The farthest we go because of their alien looks is horribly unethical and painful experiments, their looks have no impact on why we’re fighting them. We’d go to war with anybody! The way they look has nothing to do with it. No, the only reason we fight them is to protect you, the average Confederate citizen. You have my word as the Terran Confederacy’s Public Affairs Liaison, we only kill Zerglings when it’s absolutely necessary, or when it’s at least mildly funny.
It’s not even true that Zerglings have feelings anyway. According to our science staff, the aforementioned horribly unethical experiments have revealed to us that the Zerg have a hive mind. Meaning these fleshsacks don’t even have the ability to hold feelings. They’re mindless, just following the whims of whatever consciousness the Swarm has. That means it’s completely okay to do whatever we want to them! It’s not like it makes a difference! In fact, that’s what makes the TETZ’s campaign so dangerous. See, the Zerg are going to come. And they’re not going to care one whit about you or your family. So if you’ve got a Zergling under the gun, and you start worrying about their “feelings”, you and everyone you love is lost.
Now, if the above pamphlet is the first time you’ve seen a Zergling, I can see how you’d be confused. After all, how could something so cute be so deadly? I’m afraid to say, real Zerglings don’t look anywhere near that huggable. This is a Zergling:
You see those teeth, there? They need those because their diet is completely made up of Terran babies and cute puppies. Literally, the only things we’ve ever seen them eating in our extensive testing on the matter is either a baby or a puppy. How’s that for feelings? And those spines? I have personally seen Zerglings pierce through like eight marine’s sternums at once with those! Not a pretty sight. Zerglings are death machines, that’s all they’re capable of. In fact, the entire reason you can’t find a stable relationship is probably because a Zergling has already killed the man or woman you were destined to be with! Now are you going to sit back and take it? No!! Of course you’re not! You’re going to kill any and all Zerglings you see! We’re counting on you, citizen. Do us proud!
One final note. This is Joel Bartlett, evil mastermind of TETZ and this campaign:
You may be wondering what would drive a man to betray his own species and side with the Zerg. I know I was. But remember that the Zerg are fully capable of infesting us Terrans and controlling us from within. Am I saying that’s what happened to Mr. Bartlett here? No. But after we had our forensic guys go over the photo with gamma radiation, x-rays, and only a little bit of image editing software, this image was revealed:
Rather suspicious, if you ask me. In an entirely unrelated note, the Terran Confederacy is now offering a reward for information as to the locations of Mr. Bartlett and any other member of TETZ.